Preggo vs. Food

My life has come full circle. I have struggled all of my life with food. When I say "struggled" I mean, it was my best friend. My confidante. My everything. I had a very hard time seeing the point in eating egg whites for breakfast when I could have chocolate french toast. I have always been either happily chunky or trying not to be chunky. I have always stepped on a scale hoping my metabolism became an overnight superpower and I really lost weight, only to be hit with an extra pound or two. I read Women, Food and God and sobbed hysterically promising myself that I wasn't going to live to eat, I was going to eat to live. Then forgot about it during my McGriddle the next morning.

Then came pregnancy.

So, I know most of you might be thinking, "Well, pregnancy is basically nine months of obesity. She must have taken this hard." Not the case! When I went to my first doctor's appointment I was told that I needed to gain at least 25 pounds. I was shocked. I am already chunky, you want me to get MORE chunky? Did I forget it was backwards day? Nope. The baby apparently needs that extra weight and I wasn't complaining. I stopped at McDonald's and super-sized on my way home.

Then it became war.

I couldn't even catch a whiff of a pizza without hurling until I wet my pants. My appetite is slim to none. Now, I can't even finish a kid's meal without feeling like I'm suffocating my child with my massive stomach. I just can't do it. Every meal is a chore. I have to sit for 30 minutes before a meal and decide what food I will be able to keep down. By the time I decide and it is either cooked or purchased, most of the time it makes me sick again.

So, since becoming pregnant, I am DOWN 12 pounds. I have NEVER, EVER in my LIFE lost weight accidentally. I used to wish for a double-leg amputation just for the joy I would feel after stepping on a scale. Every time I have ever lost weight it was through painful determination. I remember being a teen and laying on our kitchen floor whining about feeling weak and helpless on my new diet...that I started by eating raw veggies a mere two hours before. If I was going to lose weight pre-pregnancy I needed a support group, daily meetings, a trainer, brain stabilizers, a personal gym, a carton of cigarettes and a stomach virus.

Now, I am getting reprimanded for my weight loss! I don't know how to gain weight! It was a natural talent I was born with. How can I re-invent it? This baby must be my weight's Kryptonite because I don't know how I'm going to recapture my superhero weight gains...